A comprehensive list of things that have come into my RV in the middle of the night

~3 cats (on 3 separate occasions)

~1 raccoon

~1 drunk guy looking for a girl named Amanda

~1 bird

~The biggest moth I’ve ever seen ever

~A shitload of mosquitos, one at a time, just enough so that I could hear the annoying buzz o its tiny little mosquito wings as it flew around my head trying to find someone with a more palatable blood type

~My friend Dave on rollerskates completely wasted

Last night I was awoken not once, not twice, but three times by what I assume to be one cat who really likes the taste of dog food. The first time I heard toe nails on the floor and crunching of hard dog food I was half asleep and I assumed it was Beans although she’s staying with my friend this weekend during my show.  The second time I realized that it couldn’t be Beans because she’s a 3 hour drive north, I turned the light on and it jumped out the window because both of my driver and passenger windows were completely down to allow for some breeze.  So I got up, rolled up the windows to a height that still allowed for some air, but that seemed completely impossible for a cat to slip through. I was wrong! What a scary new feeling. Haha. Joking, obviously.  That cat’s unfaltering determination to eat my dogs food left me no choice but to close my windows completely trapping in that foul cat smell (whatever the hell that is, He/she didn’t pee or poop in my RV I checked thoroughly, but cats just have this nauseating odor about them always. Ugh. Time to burn some sage)
There have been a few other times when cats have Michael Jordan jumped like 8 times their height onto my side view mirrors and climbed into my RV, all of which I had the Beans with me and she chased them out of here quick! Never to return. 

Raccoon.  Once upon a time in Colorado….. To specify, the raccoon didn’t actually climb into my RV, it actually climbed onto the outside of the back window which is where my head is when I’m sleeping.  I woke up to some scratching just outside a few inches behind me and thought it must be a person leaning on my RV or something, so I peeked out the curtains, NOPE, raccoon.  How on earth it not only climbed up there but managed to stay on a completely vertical surface with really nothing to hold onto is beyond me, but I’m just thankful that somehow Beans didn’t wake up through this because she would have gone crazy. 

Back in November at my Sarasota show I was parked amidst a ton of other RVs who were artists in the show as well. I had gotten up to pee in the middle of the night I think and must have left my door unlocked when I went back to bed. I am the world’s worst door locker ever, well not really the worst, its not like I’m trying to remember to lock them but always forget, I just consciously don’t lock doors ever, but anyways usually when I sleep, I do lock the door.  I wake up to a guy walking into my RV at 4 am I later saw on my phone.  My dog growls a little bit, and he was drunk so this did not deter him, but I woke up and I think said something to the extent of “What the fuck?” He asked in a drunken slur, are you Amanda? Um no.  I have a really sharp pocket knife that I keep on the window sill next to my bed, so I could have taken this idiot if it had come to it I think. Ive only ever used that knife to open coconuts but I believe that its superior coconut opening abilities are indicative of its potential stabbing abilities.  So he leaves, I get up and lock the door and peer out my window to see what he’s doing. He’s lingering around all of these other RVs and trailers so with my trusty coconut-opening people-stabbing knife I go outside and ask him again what the hell he’s doing. He claimed to be looking for his phone so I offered to call it, which I did and he couldn’t find it.  So then I called the cops because he seemed to have no real interest in leaving the grassy lot that was moonlighting as a bunch of artists communal front yard which turned into much more of a process than I had wanted to sign up for.  First the operator keeps me on the line til the cops show up, then I had to go talk to the cops blah blah blah, and like 40 minutes after this whole shebang began, I can go back to sleep for like 20 more minutes before I have to wake up and do a show all day. Hoorah.

Have you ever tried to get  a bird out of a house? Have you ever tried to get a bird out of a house while you’re dog is barking at it and jumping and counteracting every attempt you make to try to steer it towards an opening?

When moths or insects of any kind are buzzing around us in the middle of the night my dog likes to try to jump up and eat it, usually landing her little puppy paws on my face or bladder.  That’s about all I got there.

And my friend Dave was drunk and rollerskating, but not just kinda drunk, like really really really really drunk where he fell on his face ever 2 seconds and didn’t even seem to feel any pain so kept doing it over and over. My dog really likes dave, but she does NOT like drunk dave on rollerskates.